Az amerikai szamárválasztás

az-amerikai-szamarvalasztas-nyitoÁllítólag az Egyesült Államok történetének két legnépszerűtlenebb jelöltje között dől el a mai szuperkedden az elnöki tisztség sorsa, minket viszont nem különösebben érdekel a közkedveltségük, hiszen minden bizonnyal ők az Egyesült Államok történetének két legszórakoztatóbb jelöltje. Egy reménytelenül buta és hisztis nő, aki annyira gyűlöli a férjét, hogy muszáj ebben is legalább olyan jónak lennie, valamint egy tajparaszt fickó, akit eléggé hidegen hagy mások polkorrekt túlérzékenysége, sőt valószínűleg úgy általában hidegen hagyják mások.

Fogalmunk sincs, hogy Donald Trump hogy kerül oda, ahova eddig az egy szem John Fitzgerald Kennedyn kívül csakis precízen kiválogatott kádereknek sikerülhetett. Az viszont tény, hogy a minden fajsúlyos ügyben megindítóan egységes híradásokat produkáló amerikai média állításaival ellentétben, Trumpnak van programja. Az ennek ellenkezőjét hirdető, és Killary Clinton elnökválasztási győzelméért bárkit agyonlövető lobbikörnek viszont éppen az a legnagyobb izgalma, hogy Donald komolyan gondolja mindazt, amit mond, mert akkor

egy olyan önjáró elnökre van kilátás, akihez képest az említett JFK csupán jól idomított akváriumi fóka volt.

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Amerika nem lehet ellenzékben

Azt nem tudni, mi lesz ebből, így csak azt jelenthetjük ki nagy biztonsággal, hogy Donald Trump micsoda. Ő maga Amerika. Egy indokolatlanul magabiztos kirakatember, aki éppen ezért indokolatlanul sokra vitte az indokolatlanul sikeres Amerikában. Pont olyan felszínes, nagyszájú suttyó, mint az USA, így az lenne a megmagyarázhatatlan rendszerhiba, ha nem imádnák őt egységesen, kivéve persze a keleti parti íreket, olaszokat és zsidókat, meg a nyugati parti filmproducereket és leszbikusokat. És persze azt is megértjük, hogy nem rajonganak érte a déli ültetvényes fehérek sem, akik természetesen mindazonáltal már megváltoztak, és már dehogyis rabszolgatartók.

letoltes-2A két part között elterülő kukoricaföldek, lüktető marhaösvények és magashegységek kockásinges népe között viszont Donald Trump akkor sem tűnne fel senkinek, ha vörösre égett nyakkal, pántos melósnadrágban ülne a piros, platós pickupja volánja mögött, és éppen génkezelt Monsanto-dinnyét fuvarozna valamelyik, Kazincbarcikánál némileg lepattantabb és jellegtelenebb középkeleti városka piacára, hogy ott eladja a pántos melósnadrágban flangáló, fogatlan, gecibuta helyieknek. Azért nem tűnne fel, mert

Donald Trump lényegében ez az ember, csak több épületet örökölt az apjától, jobban bejött neki élete első ingatlanbiznisze, és menőbb a frizurája.

Viszont már csak a Kelet-Európából gyűjtött feleségeiből is nyilvánvaló, hogy egyébként térségünk nagy barátja, így számunkra rokonszenvesebbnek kell lennie a Magyarországot kizárólag André Goodfriend szomorú írásos beszámolójából ismerő Hillarynél.

Persze lehet, hogy Trump tényleg nem is akar elnök lenni – ahogy a rossz nyelvek állítják –, és csak marhul, mint Király Gabi 3:3-nál. És hát nem ő tehet róla, hogy most úgy áll a világ, amilyen a mi portugál meccsünk volt az Eb-n. Abból viszont, hogy Trumpot Király Gabihoz tudtuk hasonlítani, máris látható, hogy jófej, vicces, laza férfi. Hillaryről mi hasonlót lehetne elmondani?

Az erős, okos, független nő

A kilencvenes évek elejének-közepének egyik alapvető nőtudati meghatározója a „Most már valójában nők irányítanak a háttérből” kollektív hazugságra alapuló gondolatmenete. Akkoriban magasztosították szinte legendává Hillary Clintont, aki egymaga értelmezte újra az addig üres mosollyal integető first lady intézményét.

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„Bezzeg Hillary” – ő, aki a politika nagyasszonyaként macskaügyességgel vezette szerencsétlen, bamba férjét, azt a Bill-t, aki nélküle bizonyára csak egy kis Arkansas-i tahó maradt volna. Végre egy erős, okos, független nő, aki kedvére játszadozik a férfiakkal, éles eszével és vasmarkával pedig mindent és mindenkit a szexizmus utolsó bástyáinak ledöntésére használ fel. Hillary tudja, mit akar, tudja miért akarja, tudja hogyan akarja. Hillary a női erő, öntudat, önbecsülés, önbizalom és hatalom szimbóluma. Végre elfelejthetjük a nőket lealacsonyító buta cicababa Jackie-t, akit fűvel-fával csalt az a disznó Kennedy, ugye csajok?

Aki egy kicsit is konyít az amerikai elnökökhöz, bizonyára már a kezdet kezdetétől fenntartásokkal tekintett erre a rengeteg sületlenségre, hiszen csak ebben a században olyan tutyi-mutyi póttagok bírtak bejutni az ovális iroda foteljébe, mint Harry Truman vagy Gerald Ford. A közvetlenül választott fronton is erős mezőny tolongott ilyen téren, élen a mérsékelt szellemi alapképességei ellenére határtalanul sikeres Ronald Reagannel, de azt se felejtsük el, ki követte Billt ebben a nemes hivatalban. Ezeket mérlegelve

819a099754da8973846cb7506adc1171a józan gondolkodású férfiak már a Hillary-legenda szárnyra kapásakor érvekkel megalapozott ellenpólust képeztek a Bill Clinton szellemét és akaratát becsmérlő, dühös, ingerült, agresszív és makacs nők tengerével szemben.

Ezt a tábort csak tovább erősítette Bill nixoni vigyora, amelynek metakommunikációs jelentése legpontosabban, a „Baszok én mindenkire, gyerekek!” mondattal fordítható le. Az a csintalan gyermeki báj, amely Clinton mosolyra nyílt arcán megjelent, tudatta a dolgokat, folyamatokat, összefüggéseket, logikát és férfi-alapfilozófiát megértő egyedekkel, hogy szó sincs itt Hillary háttéruralmáról.

Disznó férfiak vs. női erő, okosság és függetlenség

A Clintonnére megváltóként tekintő nők természetesen megérezték ezt, és a kérlelhetetlen tényekkel szemben nem tudtak mást tenni, mint a szokásos ellenreakciókat: tagadás, terelés, elfojtás, bagatellizálás, ne beszéljünk erről, megfájdult a fejem. Ez természetszerűleg ismételt frusztrációkat és feszültséget okozott, a feszültségnek pedig – ismét csak természetszerűleg – ki kell sülnie valahol, jelen esetben például Monica Lewinsky legendás kék kiskosztümjén. Ez volt az az ikonikus ruhadarab, amelyre Bill is kisütött valamit, így a 90-es évek végének nem volt olyan híradója, amelyben fel ne tűnt volna egy vágókép, amint csatolt bizonyítékként viszik be valami idétlen Impeachment-tárgyalásra.tumblr_nxh2wvxhy31s57arto1_500 Az ilyen pillanatok alatt valamennyi hillarista szíve összeszorult, kezével pedig igyekezett eltakarni a száján épphogy kicsusszanó „Hogy tehette ez a disznó?!” mondatot. Ez néhány hónappal korábban még „Nem, nem tehette, nem lehetett ennyire disznó!” önáltatásként létezett.

Amikor Bill rezzenéstelen arccal belemondta a kamerába, hogy „nekem nem volt kapcsolatom azzal a nővel”, minden nő megnyugodott, hiszen az ő nyugodtságuk abban a pillanatban következik be, amikor a férfi megerősíti a saját hazugságaikat. A férfiakat ezzel szemben elégedett büszkeség töltötte el. Lám, a dolgok végre helyükre kerültek, kiderült a teljes, logikus és kérlelhetetlen igazság. Bill ura a saját faszának, ezáltal a saját életének is. Nem különösebben izgatja ebben a kérdésben senki és semmi. Aki látta a feltűnően kissé megrendült és könnyeit visszatartó Monica Lewinskyt, amint éppen bocsánatot kér alantas tettéért a feleségtől és elnöki leánytól, végképp nem bírta visszatartani kuncogását, amikor Bill tette meg ugyanezt. Arcáról ugyanis sütött az a fajta férfias büszkeség és önimádat, amelyből minden józan ember számára nyilvánvaló volt, hogy

ez az ember még rengeteg ilyen ribanccal fogja megtenni ugyanezt újra és újra, mert neki így jó! Cseppet sem érdekli sem Hillary, sem Monica, sem az amerikai nők, sem az amerikai nemzet.

A női messiás megmutatja…

why_clinton_voters_say_they_wont_support_obamaMég a legmegátalkodottabb, ronda, hímsoviniszta disznók sem gondolták, hogy nem itt kerül pont a történet végére. Hillary ugyanis képes volt rövid szünetet követően még makacsabbul megrázni a pofonfát.

Fejébe vette, hogy minden megaláztatás, szégyen, köznevetség tárgyává válás és szánakozás után is a független, szabad, erős, büszke és öntudatos Egyesült Államok első független, szabad, erős, büszke és öntudatos elnöknője lesz.

Az elmúlt 20 év – az úgynevezett poszt-Monica korszak – mással sem telt, mint Hillary és verbálisan agresszív női hívei roppant magabiztosnak tűnő kinyilatkoztatásaival. Minden alapot nélkülözően, vágyaikat kivetítve harsogták, hogy 2004-ben végre beköszönt a női egyenjogúság hosszas küzdelmének egyik meghatározó pillanata, amely térdre kényszeríti végre a poshadt, áporodott, férficentralizált hatalmi beidegződést.

2004 után ugyanezen harcias amazonok hazudták azt rezzenéstelen arccal a férfiaknak, a világnak, de legfőképp maguknak, hogy 2008 most már tényleg és visszavonhatatlanul a feminin messiás éve lesz, elfelejthetjük végre a republikánusokat, Bush-sal, Cheney-vel, meg az összes ütődött militarista neokonnal együtt.

Érkezett azonban egy nyurga demokrata szenátor Illinois-ból, aki majdnem minden olyan tulajdonsággal rendelkezett, amely már az első körben kizárta volna a hagyományos elnökjelöltek közti öldöklő párviadalból.

Félig fekete volt, illetve félig afrikai fekete, még pontosabban félig afrikai fekete muszlim, aki gyerekkorának jó részét egy iszlám országban, a Szent Korán tanulmányozásával töltötte. Csupán egyetlen aprócska szegmensben vert rá Hillaryra, de ez is elég volt a fölényes győzelemhez. Férfi volt. Férfiként pedig egyértelmű volt, hogy van mire alapoznia. Amit mond, az nem csak üres szócséplés, vagy éppen éltető ködfátyol, amibe az igazság kérlelhetetlen sugarai elől menekülhet az ember, illetve – mint megannyi más esetben, így most is – a nő.

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…de most már tényleg

A várva várt pont, amely lezárja a történetet, még ezután is váratott magára. A győzelemtől már előre megmámorosodott Hillary-hívők olyan tombolást rendeztek a vereség után, mint egy hatéves kislány, akinek fagyit ígérnek, de csak spenótot kap. Határtalan, leírhatatlan, de ennek ellenére teljesen terméketlen dühükben egy részük még arra is képes volt, hogy őszinte lelkesedéssel szavazzon a vetélytárs párt elnökjelöltjére csak azért, mert ő nőt választott maga alá.

Eközben minden gond nélkül vádolták saját pártjukat szexizmussal.

Hillary a konfliktus feloldásaként, rövid puffogás után mégiscsak elfogadta Obama alamizsnaajánlatát a külügyminiszteri tisztségre. Megfelelő alátámasztásként az az érv hangzott el, hogy az elnökjelöltségtől méltánytalanul elesett, hihetetlenül okos és tehetséges államnő az utóbbi idők legkarakteresebb külpolitikájával hozza majd helyre mindazt, amit az előző ciklus férfijai elrontottak.

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Sok olyan elnök volt már az amerikai történelemben, aki mellett a külügyminiszter valóban karakteres és önálló külpolitikát folytathatott, de elejétől fogva nyilvánvaló, hogy Barack Obama nem ilyen. Hillary sosem megalkuvó büszke tartásából nagy biztonsággal előre megjósolható, kifejezetten szórakoztató apróság volt, hogy hivatalos úton egy iszlám ország területére lépve, első amerikai külügyérként kendővel kellett lepleznie gerjesztően vágykeltő ősz fürtjeit. Sejtésünk szerint ez a kis affér az említett kultúrkörtől nem teljesen idegen Barack Obamának, de talán még a miniszterasszony„tulajdon” férjének is kellemes perceket okozott.

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A történet végső tanulsága, hogy a közkeletű állítás igaz: valóban minden sikeres férfi mögött áll egy nő. Valamint előtte is térdel néhány, akiket – ha a sikeres férfi kellően ügyes is – a mögötte álló nem láthat meg. Csak érez. Ezt viszont pofonegyszerű kidumálni. A probléma akkor keletkezik, ha a háta mögött álló nő meg is látja a férfi előtt térdelőt. E történet azonban megmutatja, hogy végső soron ilyenkor sem történik a világon semmi. A férfi háta mögé bejutott nőnek az a terület annyira értékes, hogy a férfi előterében történt dolgoknak egyszerűen nem lehet semmiféle komoly következménye.

A szabad demokrácia ünnepe, amelyből mindannyian tanulhatnánk

A megannyi jogos kritika mellett van valami, amit végre sóvárgó irigységgel szemlélhetünk Amerikában. Nevezetesen, hogy ez a csodálatos nemzet a Szabadság Nagybetűs Hazája. Mármint állítólag persze, mert ennek a csodálatosan szabad nemzetnek csodaszép fővárosát is a nagyszerűen szabad szabadkőműves mozgalom igényei szerint alakították ki. Piramisok, sátáncsillag alakú kormányzati negyedek, körzők, amerre csak a szem ellát, és hát ugye a mindent látó szemnek ez igazán gyerekjáték. Ilyen alapok mellett igazán megnyugodhatunk, hiszen ennek a csodálatosan szabad országnak csodálatos népképviseletét valóban a csodálatosan szabad nép választja.

Az aljas hatalmi manipuláció errefelé ismeretlen fogalom, és még törvénytelen korrupció sincs, hiszen a teljesen törvényes lobbival szemben csak ritkán képes vonzóbb alternatívát felkínálni.

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Jó, előfordul, hogy ügyesen megkonstruált botrány útján eltávolítják a hatalomból az oda nem való, túlságosan renitens elnököket, vagy esetleg csak belelövik az agyukat a feleségük ölébe – a hivatalos indoklás pedig még a gaboni vagy jemeni közvélemény számára is köznevetség tárgya lenne –, de megesik az ilyesmi más demokratikus országokban is. Mondjuk talán épp ennek a szuperdemokratikus szuperállamnak a titkosszolgálatai által. Ám az Egyesült Államokban legalább valódi, független, komoly választás van, komoly téttel. Kukkantsuk be egy picit ebbe a csodálatosan szabad, ördögi boszorkánykonyhába!

A hírhedt amerikai választások lényege, hogy a legócskább közhelyeket pufogtató gumifejű jogász legyőzi a második legócskább közhelyeket pufogtató gumifejű jogászt, majd a végén ezt a nemes aktust mindannyian a demokrácia lehető legtökéletesebb beteljesüléseként aposztrofálják.

Elnökjelölő konvenciók, tévéviták, előválasztások, országjáró kampánykörutak. A lehető legbutább és legüresebb pártrajongók, akik láttán még a legutolsó, babkonzervért és száraztésztáért utaztatott magyar választási csaló is felfordult gyomorral igyekszik máshojohn_f-_kerryva nézni. Mi vegyünk mégis egy nagy levegőt, és amerikanizáljuk picit ezt a mi, sokat szidott, mégis egész széles spektrumúnak tűnő választási rendszerünket, ahol szélsőtől a szélsőig mindenki megtalálja az eszéhez, neveltetéséhez, származásához, világnézetéhez passzoló politikai erőt.

Elsőként kezdjük ott, hogy ennek a remek rendszernek búcsút inthetünk. Jó, persze vannak neonáci csoportok, meg biztos találunk még eszer és anarchista mozgalmat is, de az Egyesült Államokban lévén bármit találunk, hiszen ez az az ország, ahol komoly rádióadó működik kutyáknak és macskáknak szánt műsorkínálattal. Szorítkozzunk tehát kizárólag az országos törvényhozásba bejutó politikai erők analizálására! Jobb, illetve baloldalt itt teljesen felesleges emlegetni. Többen helyesnek vélik a konzervatív-liberális felosztást, ezek az emberek azonban ugyanúgy beérik a dolgok felszínes vizsgálatával, mint maguk az amerikai átlag-választópolgárok.

A konzervatív színekben induló politikus valójában ugyanolyan liberális, mint liberálisnak mondott társai.

Tőlük nagyjából annyiban tér el, hogy hangosabban és hamisabban énekli a himnuszt az amerikai zászló társaságában, és erősebben szorítja szívére jobb kezét, valamint többet szerepel valamelyik teleprotestáns egyház miseközvetítéseinél, és több hülyeséget beszél. Általában véve butább, tehetségtelenebb, műveletlenebb és beszűkültebb is, mint vállaltan liberális társa, ami most éppen nem igaz. Majd kiderül, hogy ez ritka kivétel, vagy egy fordulat előjele.

Demszky Gábor sohasem veszít!

Vegyünk hát egy nagy levegőt, és próbáljuk meg elképzelni, amint mi is sokkal butábbak, tehetségtelenebbek, műveletlenebbek és beszűkültebbek vagyunk, kegyeinkért pedig a Demszky Gáborból, a Demszky Gáborrá plasztikázott Fodor Gáborból, valamint a Demszky Gáborrá plasztikázott Kóka Jánosból álló hármas győztese mérkőzik meg a Demszky Gáborrá plasztikázott Horn Gáborból, a Demszky Gáborrá plasztikázott Pető Ivánból és a Demszky Gáborrá plasztikázott Kuncze Gáborból álló hármas győztesével. A végső párviadal győztesét ciklus közben persze balról keményen megbírálja majd Tamás Gáspár Miklós és Mécs Imre, időnként jobbról is érkezik egy méltatlankodó hang Róna Pétertől vagy Bokros Lajostól, de alapjában véve mind-mind a demokrácia nagyszerűségét ünneplik majd.

A hatvanas években még kifejezetten jó képességű, tapasztalt, dörzsölt, okos emberek jutottak elnöki pozícióba. Nem állítjuk, hogy valamennyien szent életet éltek, ahogy azt sem, hogy ők voltak a világ legerősebb hatalmának legfőbb irányítói, de vezetői beosztásuk nem volt komolyan megkérdőjelezhető. Egyrészt szellemileg megfelelő szintet hoztak, másrészt legalább egy törvényes választáson képesek voltak eredményt elérni.

A láthatatlan, és nyilván nem is létező elnökcsinálók azonban a túlságosan önálló elnökök után úgy döntöttek, ebből elég!

Jöjjön Gerald Ford, aki a szabadság és demokrácia hazájában úgy lett államfő, akárcsak a Magyar Népköztársaságban Dobi István. A túlságosan sikeresnek nem nevezhető rövidke elnöki periódust pedig egészen hihetetlen módon, gond nélkül alul lehetett múlni. Az őt követő mogyorófarmer még nem is volt a legrosszabb, hiszen a 80-as évekkel beköszöntött a Reagan-korszak a hajdan szebb napokat látott Fehér Házba.

Andrássy Gyugyus, Sztójay Dönci, Kádár Janó, Németh Micu

Mindannyian emlékszünk még a világbirodalom ügyeit egy fogalmatlanabb csimpánz agyával és pofájával vivő George W. Bushra.  De valamivel még ez a jellegzetesen neoamerikai államférfi is képes volt felülkerekedni néhány elődjén: volt neki normálisan használt neve. Már az „Ike”-nál is eléggé rezgett a léc, de hogy egy 2-300 milliós ország papíron elsőszámú vezetőjét Jimmy-nek meg Billnek hívják, nem beszélve az olyan alelnökökről, mint Dan, Al, Dick és Joe, az tényleg minden határon túlmegy.

Valami kis méltóságot, mégis! Hát hol vagyunk, a brazilok edzőtáborában?!

Hány Batthyány Lalát meg Lónyay Menyust tudunk összeszámolni a magyar történelemből? Még a jelenkort említve sem lenne elképzelhető, hogy magyar miniszterelnök Joci, Gyugyó, Petya, Fletó, vagy Vitya néven álljon ki saját választópolgárai elé.

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