Köcsögválogatott EURO 2016

KöcsögCsodálatos kontinenstornán vagyunk túl, megtört az Irapuato óta tartó magyar átok. Újra van labdarúgó-válogatottunk, önbizalmunk, erőnk, edzőnk, eszünk a futballpályán. Megállt a forgalom a Nagykörúton és az örök károgók közül is csak a legkitartóbb férgek üzemelnek már. Előzőleg a mi, rendkívül fejlettnek hitt képzelőerőnk által se feltételezhető dolgok történtek meg, de tényleg olyasmik, hogy még az örök külföldcsicska Ganxsta Zolee is a magyar válogatott szerelésében feszít a köztévében. Nem lenne azonban teljes az összkép az elmúlt egy hónap zaccának szisztematikus felkutatása, összegyűjtése és bemutatása nélkül. Minden idők egyik legerősebb Eb-jén minden idők egyik legerősebb köcsögválogatottja jött össze. Hihetetlen nevek és csapatok maradtak ki – Pepe és egyetlen olasz nélkül? – de okkal és joggal, a helyettük bekerülők ugyanis hozzáállásukkal, viselkedésükkel, származásukkal, származástalanságukkal, vagy teljesítményüknek alig nevezhető valamivel elérték, hogy nevükkel soha többé ne akarjon találkozni szurkolótáboruk a következő selejtezősorozat kezdőinek összeállításánál.

1 Ciprian Tătăruşanu

during the UEFA EURO 2016 Group A match between Romania and Albania at Stade des Lumieres on June 19, 2016 in Lyon, France.

Az idei Eb nem hozott túl sok kiemelkedően borzalmas kapusteljesítményt, így gondban lettünk volna a poszttal, ha tavaly ősszel Románia nem végez előttünk a selejtezőcsoportban. Szerencsénkre azonban megúszták pótselejtező nélkül, és egyenes kijutásukkal elérték, hogy elsőként utazhattak haza. Ebben a szürke, defenzív, mindenféle kreativitást és bátorságot nélkülöző román válogatottban ennek ellenére nem lett volna valódi egyszemélyes köcsög (most az öltözőben stikában cigiző cserejátékost vegyünk inkább vicces kisszínesnek), ha nincs Ciprian Tătăruşanu! Hazája(?) sportsajtójában a kontinenstorna előtt Van der Sarhoz hasonlították, tekintve, hogy ő is magas. Számunkra kifejezetten megnyugtató dolog, hogy a 15-20 évvel ezelőtti román válogatotthoz képest már nem csak hagikra, petrescukra, chivukra nem telik, de már Stelea vagy Lobonţ egykori helyén is egy ilyen tehetségtelen botsáska szalad alá a közepesen beívelt beadásoknak. A szövetségi kapitány székében a motivációs tréningként ortodox szentképeket csókolgattató, dagadt vén pojáca helyett nemsokára Cristoph Daumot láthatjuk, aki potenciális másodedzőjével, Adrian Mutuval együtt kicsit máshogy próbálja majd felpörgetni ezt az ennél többre nyilván nem hivatott társaságot. Nagy szerencsétek, hogy az első kalapból nem titeket kaptunk, mert most a norvégokhoz hasonlóan törne meg az 1981 óta tartó átok!

2 Aleksandar Dragović

Dragovic3A torna sötét lovai. Akár a végső győzelemre (ezt Ausztriában 2-től 8 évig terjedőért lehet leírni) is van esélyük, de a nyitómeccsen a rohadt magyarokat most már végre biztosan helyükre fogják rakni! Dániel Péter várva-várt kedvenc csapata rögtön az első meccsén megmutatta, mit tud a fontos munkák gastarbeitereknek való kiszervezésében a gyűlölt-imádott nagytestvérhez képest. Persze ne feledjük, hogy a délszláv csapat a rekorderedménnyel záruló selejtezőcsoportban olyan méregerős együtteseket bírt ellentmondást nem tűrően maga mögé utasítani, mint az orosz vagy a svéd. Érthető volt tehát az elvárás a csoport első két helyének valamelyikén való továbbjutásra. Az osztrák munkafelügyelők pusztán azzal nem számoltak, hogy mi van, ha egy szőke néger vezetésével kell majd hátrányból felállnia ennek a néhány válogatott szerb útonállónak. Az eredmény önmagáért beszél. Egy rúgott és négy kapott gól, egyetlen pontocska. Vereség az ősi rivális és biztosan legyőzendő Böse és a botlábú Izland ellen, valamint egykapuzós 0:0 az ő kapujukkal egykapuzó portugálokkal. A joggal várt sikerszéria motorja nem volt más, mint maga Aleksandar Dragović! A nyitómeccs első félidejében olyan sárgát szedett össze, amiért, ha rendesen talál, azonnal pirosat kap. Azonban ez nem szegte kedvét, és a szép egyenesre húzott védősor miatt kapott góljuk után vécészünetnyivel, az ellenfél tizenhatosán teljesen ártatlan helyzetben okosan agyonrúgta hátvédünket, amivel egyszerre annulálta egyenlítésüket és érdemelte ki a végső győzelmet (nem az övékét) biztosan garantáló második sárgáját. Második meccsükön a lelátóról nézhette végig, amint az életéért küzdő Portugália sehogyse bír betalálni a nélküle felálló osztrák védelemnek. Majd eltiltása leteltével azonnal tizenegyest hibázott Izland ellen, ami az ő és csetnik haverjai előrehozott nyaralását jelentette, tippünk szerint a festői Ausztria helyett az Adria valamelyik nemhorvát szegletében.

3 Jérôme Boateng

BoatengUnjuk sokadszorra kijelenteni, hogy pusztán a bőrszínével egyetlen játékos se tudja kiérdemelni a válogatott köcsögökhöz szóló menetrendszerinti behívót. A dolog azonban úgy áll, hogy ha nem vagy teljesen fehér, és egy olyan csapat védősorában kell ellenned, amelynek játékerejéből adódóan a védőmunka oroszlánrésze annyiból állna számodra, hogy az ellenfél 30-35%-os labdabirtoklása közben ne csinálj ordítóan ostoba faszságokat, valószínűleg nem fogod tudni teljesíteni ezt a nyúlfarknyi apróságot. Jérôme Boateng tornáról-tornára mestere az említett minimálkövetelmények negligálásának. Egyszerűen érthetetlen, hogy Joachim Löwöt milyen erő kényszerítheti a sorozatos behívására. Ennyi négert azért csak nem ölhettek meg Namíbiában meg Kamerunban. Még egy átlagos izraeli középhátvéd honosítása és beválogatása is megoldhatja ezt a problémát, ennyire csak nem lehet rugalmatlan ez az érthetetlen erő! Addig is, amíg Mutti Merkel összeszedi minden bátorságát, és letárgyalja Bibivel a boltot, mi élvezettel kéjelgünk majd Jérôme ütemes és koordinált mozgású felugrásain, amelyekkel idén is sikerült meccsben tartania azt az egyébként meglepően normálisan küzdő olasz válogatottat, amely az ostoba kezezéséig csak az óriáskivetítőn látta a németek kapuját. Pech, hogy a végén legalább a büntetőjét nem hibázta el.

4 Gary Cahill

CahillEgyszerűen nem múlhat úgy el kétévente egy nyár, hogy az angol válogatott ne delegálna automatikusan valakit a mindenkori köcsögválogatott kezdőjébe. Régebben látatlanban is David Beckhamé volt ez a megtisztelő poszt, de fájó visszavonulása óta nem igazán tudunk kipécézni senkit, ebből a szürkén és unalmasan kilátástalan csapatból. Idén most tényleg nagyon jó állománnyal érkeznek, csak fáradtak, és kérdéses az edzőjük hozzáértése. Visszaregresszáltunk a középiskolába, vagy mi ez? A Beckham-korszak kezdete, 1998 óta hallgatjuk ezeket. Gondunkat most mégis enyhítette, hogy az angol válogatott elöl csak hagyományosan semmit nem csinált, de hátrább már nem ennyire kívánatos a helyzet! Joe Hart ha nem is egy Tătăruşanu, de magabiztosan hozza azokat a bénázásokat, amelyeket Seaman óta megszokhatott a sokat látott futballszerető. A Wales elleni okos szabadrúgásgólja tanítanivaló volt, de összességében mégse volt annyira csapnivaló a teljesítménye, mint az előtte üzemelni próbáló védelemé. A semmiből beszopott egyenlítőgól egy náluk is rosszabb orosz válogatottól Csank-timeban, egy kibrusztolt győzelem ugyanekkor az angol-B ellen, majd egy 0:0 a papíron erősebb csapatok ellen kizárólag a védekezést megkísérelni merő tótokkal. Nagyon vártuk, hogy az angolok esetleg fel tudják-e venni a versenyt Nikolics Nemanja vagy Böde Dani teljesítményével, ha az izlandiak ügyesen vezetést szereznek az elején. Ehelyett 1:0-ról sikerült benyalniuk egy izlandiaktól megszokott sablonbedobást, majd rögtön utána egy, az izlandiaktól teljesen idegen tiki-takázást. Lehet, hogy Hart kicsit későn vetődött, de tessék megnézni mit csinált előtte Walker, Smalling és Cahill! Utóbbi azzal emelkedett ki a többi közül, hogy mégiscsak 31 éves. Neki kéne itt olyasmit bemutatni, hogy rutin, higgadtság meg vezetőkészség. Ehelyett már két éve a vébén is vállalhatatlanul szar volt.

5 Patrice Evra

EvraBoateng francia megfelelőjének azt az egy mentő körülményt tudjuk felhozni, hogy neki legalább valaha volt olyanja, amit kis eufémizmussal fénykornak nevezhetnénk. Ekkoriban keveredett majdnem tettlegességig fajuló nézeteltérésbe a játékoskijáróban tizenegy fejjel magasabb csapattársával, Patrick Vieirával. Emlékezetes még nyelvészeti összetűzése Luis Suarezzel a „feketécske” kifejezés politikailag inkorrekt voltáról. Mielőtt azonban még visszavonulna, és jogvédőként hazánk összes boltjának polcáról eltüntetné a torok kéményseprőjét, fejébe vette, hogy egyedi búcsút vesz hazája válogatottjától. Minden meccsen csinál egy tizenegyest, vagy valami olyasmit, amiből valamelyik csapattársának jó eséllyel azt kell csinálnia. Fenyegetően antantkék meze miatt eddig csak Kassai Viktor mert méltó partner lenni ebben a játékban, így Evra a legártatlanabb helyzetekben is bátran rúghatja önmagát kézen, vagy a labda nélkül arra ólálkodó támadókat bármin. Nemrég köszönetet mondott jelenlegi klubjának, a Juventusnak, amiért ma is olyan gyors, mint 15 évesen. Legalább tisztában van saját erősségeivel, hiszen nem a szintén nagyjából ugyanannyi eszét emelte ki…

6 Andrij Jarmolenko

yarmolenko_stepanenkoAz EB előtti mókás hírek egyike volt, hogy Andrij Jarmolenko, a Dinamo Kijev nagyszerű csatára kibékült a most éppen nem Donyeckben játszó Sahtar Donyeck középpályásával, Tarasz Sztyepanenkóval. A nézeteltérés tárgya valami kupadöntős affér, és kettejük ukránsági fokának vélt különbözősége volt. Már ekkor dörzsöltük a tenyerünket, hogy nagy dolgok vannak készülőben az ukrán válogatott háza táján, de az elért eredmények minden előzetes várakozásunkat felülmúlták. Öt kapott gól nulla rúgott ellenében, három vereség, és közte olyanok, amelyek még Pintér Attila tulajdon keze munkáját is alulról tudták súrolni. Az Úristen nem megsiratta, amit ezek az északírek ellen műveltek, hanem inkább elverte jéggel picsába az egészet. Nem meglepő, hogy a kilátástalan szenvedés után Jarmolenko váratlanul ismét összeveszett Sztyepanenkóval, nyíltan kifogásolva állítólagos hazafiatlanságát. Ez már önmagában eléggé nagy köcsögség ahhoz, hogy kijárjon érte a csicskalángos, de mi a szűnni nem akaró rosszindulatunk folytán kicsit megkapartuk ezt a vastagnak látszó kék-sárga festékréteget Jarmolenko auráján, és mit gondoltok mit találtunk alatta? Amit régi olvasóink már Adolf Hitlernél vagy Radovan Karadzsicsnál megszokhattak. Andrij Jarmolenko; született: Leningrád, Oroszországi SZSZK.

7 Ronaldo

RonaldoMost jön az a köcsög, akit nyilván már az EB előtt megírtunk. Teljesítményétől függetlenül ugyanis akkora köcsög, hogy bármilyen körülmények közt helye van a köcsögválogatottban. Mostanában valahogy felerősödtek azok a hangok, amelyek szerint Ronaldo nem is olyan köcsög. Ki van gyúrva, küzd, hajt, profi, világklasszis, adakozik és utálja Izraelt. Teljesen értetlenül állunk ezekhez, amikor ránézünk erre a szedett szemöldökű, epilált hajlatú kisköcsögre, aki külsejéből ítélve a Colosseum küzdőtere helyett inkább valami kőbányai aluljáróba való, hogy szemmel tartsa a járőrök mozgását társai ittapirosholapirosozása közben. Ronaldo egy kurva nagy köcsög. Köcsög a neve, köcsög a kinézete, köcsög a mozgása, köcsög a gólöröme, köcsög a klubja, egyszerűen tényleg mindene köcsög. Nem tud annyit utalni Böjte atyának, hogy ezekből egyetlenegy is érdemben változzon. Eb-t nyertek nélküle? Aha, bennünk valahogy mégis az maradt meg, ahogy megsértődött Izlandra, mert védekezni merészeltek…

8 Marouane Fellaini

FellainiVicces ez a belga válogatott. Minden nagy világverseny előtt egészen úgy tudnak tenni, mint akik tényleg elhiszik, most végre nyerhetnek valamit, hogy aztán a negyeddöntő után mindig halálosan csalódottan kullogjanak haza vissza Belgiumba. Tanácsolnánk nekik, hogy ne higgyenek a világ „legjobb kapusa” meg „legjobb mezőnyjátékosai” büszke címeknek, esetleg azt a FIFA-világranglistát se vegyék véresen komolyan, ahol Románia nemrég a 8. helyen állt. Higgyenek inkább saját magukban, szerezzenek végre egy tökös kapitányt és száműzzék ezt a sok egzotikus zsoldost Molenbeekbe, ahol szabadon dobálhatják kővel a No-Go zónába tévedt óvatlan rendőrautókat. Ezzel szemben az a szomorú igazság, hogy Courtois, De Bruyne, Hazard vagy Mertens egy dekával se hihet jobban Belgiumban, mint a kifogásolható csapatrészeik. Már az első csoportmeccs után látszott, hogy gyakorlatilag a köcsögválogatott teljes középpályája feltölthető lenne a benettonválogatott keretéből, amelyben a hülyére nyírt hajak még véletlenül sem az Istentől adott, őserdei színükben pompáztak. A sportemberi alázat, lemondás és elhivatottság mintapéldányai közül aztán az egyenes kieséses szakasz kellett kitermelje az igazi vezért. Előzetesen csak fejre simán beválogattuk volna az indonéz bagós-nyaktetkós műpunkot, de ő legalább vágott két bombagólt. Marouane Fellaini ellenben arrogáns bohóckodásaival egyértelművé tette választásunkat. Először időhúzó csereként volt pofája lekönyökölni nagyszerű csatárunkat, majd ujjaival mutogatni azt a négyest, amelynek előállításában semmiféle szerepet nem vállalt. A következő meccsen szerencsére korábban jött be, és itt már igen tevékeny részese volt a 3:1-es vereségnek. Aljaskodó talpalásai klubszinten is közismertek voltak, ezért ezek nem okoztak különösebb meglepetést, tizenhatoson belüli megmozdulásai viszont annál inkább. Először teljesen elképedt annak láttán, hogy Robson-Kanu Marouane Fellaini helyett inkább a belga kapu felé fordul, és szerzi meg a vezetést Walesnek. Rögtön ezután a másik kapu előtt fejelt szögletzászlót aranygyapjával olyan helyzetből, amelyet magabiztosan értékesített volna a fénykorában játszó Klausz Laci vagy Sebők Vili is. Kedves belgák! Ne erőltessétek már ezt a kupagyőzelem-micsodát, jó lesz nektek a bonbon, a sör meg a FIFA-világranglista!

9 Roman Sirokov

Generated by IJG JPEG Library

Nagy volt a kísértés, hogy bepréseljünk valakit az angol válogatottból, de egyrészt ők legalább továbbjutottak a csoportból, másrészt az izlandiak ellen bemutatott, hetvenperces, tehetetlenül meddő passzolgatásukban legalább éreztünk valami kétségbeesés-félét, ami elsősorban saját kispadjuk vagy még inkább saját szövetségük felé irányult. A „szbornaja” tagjait ilyesmi láthatóan egyáltalán nem nyomasztotta, és kedélyesen elalibizgették a 270 percnyi semmit. Persze egyáltalán nem csodálkoznánk, ha Vlagyimir Putyin személyes utasítására csak az első meccs előttig volt kötelező versenyben maradniuk. Esetleg szervezett gyilkolóbrigádjaik láttán nekik maguknak se volt kedvük további terrorakciókhoz asszisztálni egy véletlen továbbjutással. Az eredménytelen antifutball motorja pedig a Trefilov-klón edzőjükön kívül a csapat veteránja, Roman Sirokov volt. Amit az orosz válogatott tornáról-tornára bemutat, azért igazán érdemes volt vébérendezést sumákolni 2018-ra. Valahogy el kéne intézni, hogy finn barátaink végre kvalifikáljanak és összekerülhessenek a házigazdával. Jégkorongból már megszokott módon garantált lenne az 1:3, valami csakis erre a célra felhúzott, 20 milliárd eurós kamcsatkai ékszerdobozban.

10 Zlatan Ibrahimović

IbrahimovicÉrdekes, hogy bár a szerb válogatott pontszáma a selejtezősorozatban csupán tavaly szeptemberben ért pozitív tartományba, az ić-végződésű tahók valahogy mégis felülreprezentáltak a kontinenstorna gecijei közt. Öröm az örömünkben, hogy Zlatan ezúttal utoljára. Egyszerűen megunta, hogy megint ő és csakis ő a király, ezért a csapat és a szurkolók egymástapsolását most is inkább kihagyta, mert a három koronát épp akkor kellett egyszerre felhelyeznie saját fejére az öltözőben. Jó, persze-persze, nagyon akart nyerni, meg ilyenek… Ez akkor fog összejönni, ha ötven méterről a saját fejére tudja majd ívelni a labdát, hogy végre bombaerejű csukafejessel küldje azt a hálóba. Most is megpróbálta, most se jött össze. Az orvostudomány egyébként az ilyen vissza-visszatérő próbálkozást pszichopátiás nárcizmusnak definiálja, mi azonban a svéd keret többi tagját elnézve sportszakmai realizmusnak. Ugyan mégis melyiknek passzolt volna? Rajongói számára Ibra teljesítményéhez még egy kis adalék: Arnautović-csal együtt mindketten pontosan ugyanannyi gólt rúgtak, amelyekkel csapatuk ugyanannyi pontot szerzett, ugyanazon a helyen végzett, és ugyanúgy utazott haza. Az ínyenc ibrahimovistáknak pedig egy eredmény a selejtezősorozatból: Svédország–Ausztria 1:4. Még egy a csoportkörből: Ausztria–Magyarország 0:2. A Balkán Bikája biztos nagyon tud focizni. Megnézhetjük ezt esetleg ősszel, ahol Fellaini csapattársaként tevékenykedik majd, Mourinho kezei alatt! Csak ezért visszaszoknánk ismét a rendszeres BL-nézésre, de szerencsére csak ezért pont nem kell.

11 Marko Arnautović

during the UEFA EURO 2016 Group F match between Austria and Hungary at Stade Matmut Atlantique on June 14, 2016 in Bordeaux, France.

A világ bizonyára értetlenül bámult Ausztria Ibrahimović-utánzata láttán, de minket a történelmi tapasztalat okán egyáltalán nem lepett meg az ilyesmi. Marko Arnautović tulajdonképpen a tökéletes esszencia az osztrák zsoldba szegődő szerb martalócok ideáltipikus képéről. 1848-ban a svarcgelbek ilyen pofákkal írattak fel cirilbetűs szövegeket magyar vérrel a fehérre meszelt parasztházaink falára. Aztán ahogy feltűnt az első, szerényen felszerelt és gyengén kiképzett, lelkes egyetemistákból álló honvéd/nemzetőrzászlóalj, szerb barátaink riadtan realizálták, hogy többé nem a fehérnéppel meg lábasjószágokkal állnak szemben. Érthető reakciójuk erre a Homer Simpson módjára tolatás volt valami bűzös nádasba, amit kizárólagos mocsárlakóként csakis ők ismertek a környéken. Marko Arnautović nagyjából ugyanígy tűnt el a játékoskijáróban 0:2 után, de előtte még a bíró háttal állását kihasználva, jól megmutatta a legrúgott és földön fekvő Kádinak, hol lakik a szerbek istene. Ja, és csak hogy világos legyen: A közvélekedéssel ellentétben ez bizony nem a szegény ember Ibrahimovića, hanem az osztrák emberé, aki sok-sok jellemgyenge tulajdonsága mellett kurvára nem szegény. Ezt sikerült összehoznia a tengersok keleti Raiffeisen kintlevőségéből!

Rendfenntartó erők: Franciaország

LütyőAki valaha betette már a lábát Franciaország földjére, bizonyára remekül szórakozott a francia rendőrség, csendőrség és antiterrorista erők előzetes fogadkozásain, hogy most az egyszer tényleg vasszigor és rend lesz a stadionokban és azok körül. Már a tavaly januári kóserboltos kommandósakciójuk alatt is hitetlenkedve néztük, amint a francia fegyveresek válogatott elitje, príma matériája egymáson csetelve-botolva képtelen rendesen felhúzni egy szaros redőnyt, majd a félig felhúzott, legfeljebb kétembernyi helyen egyszerre próbálnak bemenni hetvenketten, közben pedig szakadatlanul tüzelnek bármire, ami mozog vagy áll. Az a csoda, hogy nem lőtték szét egymást meg saját magukat is. Ez a csapat Lütyő most se hazudtolta meg önmagát, és Európa egyik legfutballhuligánabb városában meglepve és tehetetlenül bámulta, ahogy Európa két legfutballhuligánabb nemzetének futballhulligánjai egymásnak esnek. Csak az isteni gondviselésnek és a terroristák buta gyávaságának tudható be, hogy nem történt durva dolog egyik helyszínen se, mert a rendfenntartó erőktől akár egy döglött elefántot is be lehetett volna csempészni a mindig kivétel nélkül szabadon pirózgató ultrák közé. Nagyon várjuk, mit tudnak majd a még ezeknél is sokkal profibban militarista brazilok ilyen téren!

Szurkolótábor: Horvátország

letöltésNa, velük viszont a bevezetővel ellentétben inkább a saját válogatottjuk nem kíván találkozni a továbbiakban. Egészen szürreális, hogy a szurkolótáborok versenyében a mindig stabilan teljesítő, besörözött suttyókat szállító Anglia, illetve a Szpecnaz futballra szakosodott részlege idén kénytelen volt megelégedni a bronz, illetve ezüstköcsöggel. Délnyugati szomszédunknál ugyanis 2:0 után kiemelkedő tehetségek robbantak be Subašić kapuja körül, 2:2-re mentve ezáltal a belszláv rangadót az amúgy teljesen szétesett cseh testvéreikkel. Állítólag a debreceni 0:8-ból már ismerős hajduk-splites „Torcida” tagjai tiltakoztak így saját szövetségük korruptsága (kac-kac) ellen, amit a helyszínen túlerőben levő Dinamo-drukkerek egyből heves ökölcsapásokkal honoráltak. Szerencsére nem zárták ki csapatukat azonnal, így végigélvezhettük, ahogy az Eb legnézhetetlenebb meccsén kúrták el a továbbjutásukat a kilencszázadik percben, valami végre-valahára meghúzott támadásuk lekontrázása után. Szemben az örökké széthúzó magyarokkal, ahol most a svasztikatetkós állatok is kisangyalként viselkedtek, XVI-os szektorosok álltak be simán újpesti zászlók mögé, a horvátok megmutatták, milyen az, ha egy nemzet igazán összefog! Igazán sajnáljuk, hogy nem alakult ki valami polgárháborúvá fajuló dalmát-szlavón ellentét a végére, mert ez az arcoskodásban és pofázásban mindig erős népség 18 éve csinált utoljára valami nézhetőt a futballpályán. Igazság szerint a teljes horvát válogatott, szurkolóival együtt mindig is a bögyünkben volt, de ők most legalább megpróbálták az egészet beborítani jó vastag füsttel, hogy ne kelljen néznünk azt a nagy semmit, amit csapatuk művel rajta. Az pedig, hogy legyőzték a lustaságukról és alulmotiváltságukról ismert spanyol válogatottat, ne legyen már ellenérv. Láttuk, hogy a következő körben mennyit értek a spanyolok, és főleg mennyit értek ők.

A szövetségi kapitány természetszerűleg a tizenkettedik helyre kívánkozott volna, de egyszerűen nem tehettük oda. Az eddig felsoroltak közül mindenki egy utolsó geci, kretén vagy szánalmas, de mindannyian emberek. A köcsögválogatott edzője viszont egy olyan, undorítóan tekergő pondró, hogy csak a többiektől elszeparáltan, mindentől távol mutathatjuk be. Valószínűleg a világ egyik legrosszabb élménye német válogatott labdarúgónak lenni. Csak az erős gyomrúak görgessenek lejjebb, kizárólag saját felelősségre, és lehetőleg ők se evés előtt vagy után!

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Tényleg mindent felülmúlóan undorító lesz. Sokkal undorítóbb, mint gondolnátok.

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Szövetségi kapitány: Joachim Löw

Joachim LöwA jógi, akinek a szaga is valami hasonló lehet, mint amit elképzelünk egy-egy indiai autentikus bölcs fényképét látva. Hozzá sem mennénk közel, ahogy Boateng is a lehető legnagyobb fizikai távolságot tartja tőle. Lehet, hogy van megalázóbb dolog, mint amikor egy néger őszintén undorodik fehér feljebbvalójától, de most hirtelen nem jut eszünkbe ilyen. A saját fingjába, hónaljába, levágott lábkörmébe minden férfi bele-beleszagol olykor ellenőrző jelleggel – otthon, a négy fal között – ám a legtöbb férfi rendszerint megmossa az esetleg bűzlő testrészeket, mielőtt emberek közé megy. Ha pedig erre bármilyen okból nem volt lehetősége, akkor inkább diszkréten igyekszik elkerülni a lebukást, és nem a legszélesebb nyilvánosság előtt vesz szagmintát. Sokak szerint a fikaevő német kapitány trollkodásból csinál évek óta olyasmiket a kamerák kereszttüzében, amiket mások legfeljebb egymagukban, vagy még úgy se, de valószínűleg másról van szó. Nem, Joachim Löw nem is a féreg ember öntudatos Pride-ját adja elő. Ő amellett, hogy a hagyományos nyugat-európai mosdatlanság jeles képviselője, vélhetően a rajongásig önmaga, illetve önmaga termékeinek függője. Elsősorban nem is az a baj, amit csinál, hanem az a homlokráncolással álcázva kisimuló, az élvezetnek lopva behódoló arc, amit vág, miközben a saját, immár szabályos gömböcskévé gyúrt betyárkörtéjét szagolgatja. Akkor érzi magát újra kiegyensúlyozottnak, ha hozzáférhet az önnön teste által megtermelt szmütyihez, amely egyenletesen terül el ágyéktájékon, ám a redőkben felgyülemlik, és ha körömmel megkapirgálja, akkor egy pici tömböcske megragad a csúcsán. Akinek ilyen függősége van, az egy kiéhezettségi szint fölött már a lebukás veszélyével sem törődik. Mint egy titkos cigi első slukkja az iskolai vécében, amit már akkor se vehetnek el tőled, ha ingerülten rádnyit az igazgató. Mint a tikkasztó nyári kánikulában órák óta elképzelt, gyöngyöző korsó sörből kortyolt első korty, amely után a világ többé nem az a pokoli hely, mint előtte volt. Számára önmaga szekrétumai jelentik ezt a cseppnyi oázist az életben, amelyet más szerencsétlen és/vagy jellemgyenge embereknek az alkohol, a kábítószer vagy a nemzeti futballválogatott ellen szurkolás. Kíváncsian találgatjuk, mire számíthatunk még tőle. Esetleg leveszi a cipőjét, és a nagylábujjkörme alatt, elhalt hámsejtekből felhalmozódó, a zoknitól sötétszürkére színeződő, savanyú szagú, kenődő anyagból formáz magának csemegemazsolákat. Vagy meccs közben kiveri, és felnyalja a tenyeréből, hogy semmi se vesszen kárba egy ilyen csodálatos emberből. Nem az a kérdés, hogy mit keres a köcsögválogatott élén, hanem az, hogy mit keres emberek között.

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About Kurtz ezredes

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    Semmi keresnivalójuk nincs a listán.
    CR egyedül tartotta meccsben Portugáliát ellenünk.
    Ibra meg nem tehet rola h a svédeknel egyedül ő tud focizni.
    A többiek helytálloak főleg Dragovicé tetszik.

  3. Major László

    Elsőre is kiváló, de többször olvasós remek.

  4. Molnár Szabocs

    Tisztelve szeretett Kurtz ezredes!
    Gratulálok a cikkhez, jól leírja a futball mai viszonyait. Ugyanakkor kimarad a cikkből Európa leggyalázatosabb szervezete, ami még az Európai parlament feslettségát is alulról nyaldossa, az UEFA. No to racism, hirdeti negyedóránként fizetett hirdetésben az Eurosporton, miközben európai emberek tucatjait mészárolja le az ISIS. Sebhelyes pofákat mutatva be példaképpen az ifjúságnak. A török álpuccs, a brexit, stb. stb. is megérne egy misét. Előre is várom az elemzéseket. Köszönettel. MSZ

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    We all know God exists. Why? Because without Him, we couldn’t prove anything at all. Do we live our lives as if we cannot know anything? No. So why is God necessary? In order to know anything for certain, you would have to know everything, or have revelation from somebody who does. Who is capable of knowing everything? God. So to know anything, you would have to be God, or know God.

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    It has been calculated by Roger Penrose that the odds of the initial conditions for the big bang to produce the universe that we see to be a number so big, that we could put a zero on every particle in the universe, and even that would not be enough to use every zero. What are the odds that God created the universe? Odds are no such thing. Who of you would gamble your life on one coin flip?

    Is there evidence that the Bible is the truth? Yes. Did you know that the creation accounts listed in the book of Genesis are not only all correct, but are also in the correct chronological order? That the Bible doesn’t say the Earth was formed in six 24-hour days but rather six long but finite periods of time? That the Bible makes 10 times more creation claims than all major “holy” books combined with no contradictions, while these other books have errors in them? The Bible stood alone by concurring with the big bang saying, “In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth” (Genesis 1:1); and says our universe is expanding, thousands of years before scientists discovered these things. Watch a potential life-changing video on the website listed below with Astronomer(PhD) Hugh Ross explaining all these facts based on published scientific data. He has authored many books, backed even by atheist scientists.

    Jesus came to pay a debt that we could not; to be our legal justifier to reconcile us back to a Holy God; only if we are willing to receive Him: “For the wages of sin is death…” (Romans 6:23).

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