Ünnepi Habsburg családi mosolyalbum

A régmúlt időknek megvan az a szerencséjük, hogy az időbeli távolság jótékony homályt borít rájuk. Ezért könnyen elfeledkezünk arról, hogy régen is emberek éltek, voltak köztük szépek, csúnyák és egészen retardáltak, okosak, buták és egészen retardáltak. Mivel már tudjátok, hogy kikről lesz szó, pontosan tisztában vagytok vele, hogy nem lehet lélekben rendesen felkészülni arra, ami következik. A testi és szellemi fogyatékosság sajnos az emberi nem levakarhatatlan kísérője, ugyanakkor szerencsére meglehetősen kis arányban sújtja a Föld népességét. Kivéve persze azokat, akik akár gumikalapáccsal is koccolták volna a családban az anyák pocakját, ha ezért újabb európai országok trónja járt volna. Végülis, ha jobban megnézzük, lényegében ezt csinálták.

Nem lettünk volna a többi, rendszerint kisebb hatalmú európai uralkodó helyében, amikor a családi vállalkozásban a fél földrész fölött zsarnokoskodó Habsburg atyafiak és közeli rokon feleségeik elmentek tárgyalni a különböző európai udvarokba, ezekkel a fejekkel a nyakukon. És ilyen testekkel a fejük alatt. Akárhol jelentek meg, a házigazdáknak a látvány ellenére komolyan kellett venniük ezeket a bizarr, nehezen beazonosítható lényeket. Emberi kiejtéssel és gesztikulációval, emberi hangon ugyan nem nagyon tudták előadni a szándékaikat, mégis ők mozgatták a korabeli Európa legvastagabb politikai szálait. Kicsit olyan lehetett ez, mint amikor a Csillagok Háborújában Han Solo az undorító küllemű és ehhez dukálóan torz lelkű, de valamilyen kibogozhatatlan oknál fogva mégis hatalmas Jabbával próbál tárgyalni. A történelem ismétli önmagát, hasonló a helyzet most, amikor egy Verhofstadt meg egy Juncker jelenik meg a színen. Mindenki számára világos, hogy komoly fogyatékosságal küzdenek az urak, de valahogy – mindenki számára érthetetlenül és tetten érhetetlenül – fontossá váltak, és komolyan kell venni őket, noha kurva nehéz.

A kórokat általában az azokat elsőként leíró orvosokról nevezik el, kivéve, ha évszázadokon át hurcolja azokat egy-egy illusztris, völgybe zárt család. A Habsburg áll olyan alaptartozéka ennek a kiváló dinasztiának, mint Denilsonnak a biciklicsel. Ám természetesen nem állunk meg itt, hiszen ahol évszázadokat töltenek nem létező és jószerével elnevezhetetlen családi kapcsolatok kitenyésztésével, ott ezerféle fogyatékosság virágzik a ragyogó barokk paloták mélyén. Ebben a szörnyű Frankenstein-történetben nekünk, magyaroknak is komoly szerep jutott, hiszen ha IV. László királyunk nem segíti az Osztrák Hercegség trónjára a gyanús svájci völgyekből előbújt, jelentéktelen I. Rudolfot 1278-ban, akkor talán sosem emelkedik fel ez a végtelen hatalmi étvágyú család, amely évszázadokon át gondoskodott róla, hogy elég háború törjön ki Európában. A morvamezei csatáról tudni kell, hogy a szintén az osztrák hercegségre pályázó Ottokár cseh király 30.000 katonával érkezett, a vele szemben álló Habsburg „fősereg” 2000 főből állt, a magyar „segédhad” pedig nagyjából 18 ezres volt. Persze IV. László nem tudhatta, micsoda ördögi eseményláncolatot indít el, amely még Habsburg György és Bokros Lajos közös, MDF-es európai parlamenti képviselőjelöltségénél sem ért véget.

„Háborúzzanak mások, te csak házasodj, boldog Ausztria!”

Mátyás király tudta, miről beszél, hiszen saját szemével láthatta, hogy III. Frigyes német-római császár milyen módszerekkel építgeti a családi birodalmát – már amikor éppen nem a török ellen hadakozó Magyarországot támadja hátba.

I. Albert és II. Albert

Valószínűleg már a veszélyesen zegzugos svájci völgyekben olyan folyamatok zajlottak, amelyekről a Magyar Ember nem szívesen szerez tudomást. Úgy vagyunk ezzel, hogy csinálják a pince négy fala között, de a nyilvános térben ne kelljen látnunk az ilyesmit. A még jelentéktelen Habsburg család birtokkuporgatásnak alárendelt szaporodási szokásairól elég sokat elárul az említett I. Rudolf kisebbik fia, I. Albert. Már nála is szembeötlő egy olyan Habsburg védjegy, amelyből igencsak elegünk lesz a cikk végére: ezek a szerencsétlenek képtelenek emberi orrot növeszteni. Igen, az állával is egyértelmű gondok voltak, és amint látni fogjuk, ezzel sem volt egyedül. I. Albert egyik fiának, az őt a hercegi trónon is követő II. Albertnek a portréja ugyan szintén nem kortárs alkotás – Salvador Dalí: Az elfolyó áll – de a festő feltehetően ezt sem passzióból alkotta meg ilyenre. Az álla – már ha volt neki – egyértelműen a kedves papa állából esett ki, és itt már felbukkan a rakoncátlanul össze-vissza kószáló, dülledt Habsburg szempár is.

V. Albert

Ugrunk egy évszázadot, a következő jelentős családtagra, aki nemcsak a német-római császári címet tudta ismét megszerezni a családnak, hanem már a magyar trónra is beavászkodott vele a beltenyészet. Mivel jelentős uralkodóról van szó, a festőről ez esetben is okkal feltételezhetjük a jóhiszeműséget, vagyis ilyen egy Habsburg tekintet a kiegyenesítés után.

III. Frigyes és I. Miksa

A család másik ágából jövő, államigazgatásban és hadászatban is középszerű, ám a házasságkötésekben igencsak járatos Frigyessel léptek egy nagyot a Habsburgok az érdemtelen európai hegemónia irányába. Azért képzeljük csak el Mátyás arcát, amikor egy ilyen lénytől kellett vagyonokért visszavásárolnia az ellopott Szent Koronát! És vele érkezünk meg történetünk egyik antropomorfológiai csúcspontjára. A végletek családja a Habsburg: aki nem hosszan elnyúlt, lapított orral és áll nélküli tokával nevettette ki magát, az orrvitorla méretű szörnyűséget hordott az arcán, és rettenetes hegyes állal ijesztgette azokat, akik nem álltak rokonságban vele. Ugyancsak történelmi pillanat az idomtalanul előreugró kasszaszáj nyomasztó és visszavonhatatlan megjelenése. A szörnyűséges orr és a ravaszul megválasztott szög ellenére észrevehető kasszaszáj Frigyes fiát sem kímélte. És ő még nem is járt olyan rosszul, mint az unokái. Itt rögzítsük, hogy egy ilyen fejű ember örökölte meg Ausztria mellé Burgundiát, a korabeli Európa egyik legerősebb királyságát, miután Frigyes papa jól választott feleséget a fiának. Miksáról azt is feljegyezték egyébként, hogy az osztrák családmodellt tükröző, rideg, érzelemmentes bécsi évek után elképesztően élvezte, hogy apósa, a burgundi király udvarában emberközeli világot talált, ahol néha-néha mosolyogtak is egymásra a családtagok.

I. (Szép) Fülöp

Ilyen egy Habsburg, aki szép. Legalábbis a többiekhez képest. Az egészben az a legfélelmetesebb, hogy a két deformált arctípus teljesen esetlegesen váltakozott akár közvetlen leszármazottak között is, így a hegyes vonásokkal rendelkező Miksa fiának a másik degeneráltan csavarodó Habsburg-DNS jutott, de azért a dülledt szemeket is megörökölte, csak hogy érezze a törődést.

V. Károly és I. Ferdinánd

Ezek a csodás arcélű emberek – Fülöp fiai – nemcsak fél Európát örökölték össze a császári címmel, Ausztriával, Burgundiával, Németalfölddel, a Nápolyi Királysággal, a Spanyolországgá egyesülő Kasztíliával és Aragóniával (amihez hozzácsapták az Amerikában gyűjtött spanyol gyarmatokat is), hanem szintén megörökölték a Habsburg testi megjelenés minden csodáját. Amikor először megláttuk a tankönyvben Ferdinánd megdöbbentő ábrázatát, még fogalmunk sem volt róla, hogy ő csak a bátyja, V. Károly sokkal enyhébb kiadása. A csücsöri szájat is véssük az eszünkbe, mert látni fogjuk még belőle néhányat!

Mária

És, hogy milyen, amikor lány születik a családba? Nos, Máriát, a Mohácsnál mattot kapott II. Lajos királyunk nejét előnyös szögből lefestett, kedves fiatalasszonyként ismertük meg képről. Ám ha rápillantunk idősebb korban, amikor a festő is kevésbé próbálta habsburgtalanítani a vonásait, akkor hirtelen dülledt szemek, egy hosszúkás, lapított orr, valamint egy előreugró áll tárul elénk. Mintha valahol már láttuk volna ezeket a testrészeket…

De legalább a birtok egyben maradt a teljes elkorcsosulásig

A legvagányabb idők ráadásul csak ezután következtek. A második antropomorfológiai csúcspontot a barokk korszakban kiteljesedő beltenyészet szörnyszülöttei alkották. Amilyen nagy hévvel házasodtak be ugyanis a Habsburgok más európai uralkodócsaládokba, amíg nem birtokolták a fél földrészt, olyan féltékenyen őrködtek a már megszerzett országok fölött. Ahogy korábban a grófi, majd hercegi birtokokat őrizték beltenyészettel, később már egész országok esetében alkalmazták ugyanezt. A spanyol Habsburg királyok a 16. századtól kizárólag saját osztrák unokahúgukat vagy nagynénjüket vették feleségül, aminek köszönhetően az ismert arcvonások mellé, két nemzedék alatt felzárkózott kórképként a vízfejűség, az elmebetegség és az egyre több halva született gyerek. Hogy mindezek mit jelentettek látványban? Ezt:

IV. Fülöp és II. Károly

IV. Fülöp esetében még csak-csak belefért az uralkodás, hiszen a barokk Európa lassan megszokhatta, hogy a csicsás ruhákban olykor elképesztő szörnyszülöttek parádéznak Habsburg részről, II. Károly viszont már tényleg iszonyú kínosra sikeredett. Az átlagembernek nyolc dédszülője szokott lenni, Károly esetében viszont ezt nem is lehet pontosan összeszámolni, hiszen az egyik nagyanyja egyben a dédanyja is, míg egyik nagynénje egyben a nagyanyja is volt, és az összes felmenője Szép Fülöptől és feleségétől származott. Ennek köszönhette testi és szellemi bajai sokaságát. A kasszaszája miatt gyakorlatilag nem tudott rágni, továbbá abnormálisan nagy nyelve volt, ami miatt alig tudott beszélni, de legalább rendszeresen folyt a nyála. Mindezek mellett már eltörpül epilepsziája, vesebetegsége és a többféle növekedési zavar, amitől szenvedett. Tényleg nem lettünk volna mondjuk egy követ helyében, akinek ezzel a lénnyel kellett undorodó vagy röhögésbe hajló arckifejezés nélkül lehoznia egy rövid tárgyalást. Az vesse az első követ a Habsburgokra, aki szerint nem ért ennyit Spanyolország egyben tartása II. Károlyig bezárólag! Neki ugyanis már esélye sem volt életképes örökösre, és kihalt vele ez az irigylésre méltó családi ág.

Nincs az a vérfrissítés, ami ebből a családkaróból családfát csinál

De nem úgy az osztrák Habsburgok! Ezeknél ugyanis az a deviancia, ha az ember családon kívülről nősül: „Ha nem csinálod fel az unokahúgodat, nem uralkodhatsz, Fricikém!” Az osztrák ág is lassan, de biztosan haladt az elkorcsosulás felé, már Rudolf császár olyan szinten volt bárgyú elmebeteg, hogy bármit rá lehetett sózni, akármilyen különlegesnek hazudott dolog került a dülledt, vizenyős szemei elé. Horst Fuchs a tíz ujját megnyalná, ha manapság valakinél ilyen gyenge észhez ilyen vásárlóerő párosulna.

I. Lipót és Eleonóra Mária Jozefa

A csúcspontot mégis a fejdeformációit sánta lábakon kihordó I. Lipót jelentette, aki nem volt szép, de gavallér se, hiszen amit csak lehetett, azt elkövette a magyarság végromlásáért. A fentebb megdicsért II. Károly kortársa volt minden értelemben; még a pénzérmékre sem volt pofájuk normális emberi ábrázattal rátenni a verdében, mert úgy senki sem ismert volna rá. Talán egy kicsit vigasztalta, hogy ő sem egyedül volt ilyen kripli a családban, hiszen a húga, Eleonóra Mária Jozefa sem lógott ki a családi sormintából.

Végül negyven évvel spanyolországi testvéreik/unokatestvéreik/nagybátyáik után sikerült férfiágon kihalniuk az osztrák Habsburgoknak is, de ezt az örökösödési háborút a spanyollal ellentétben megnyerték, ráadásul gondoskodtak a jövőről is. Az ekkor létrehozott Habsburg-Lotharingiai-ház rögtön alaposan feltornászta a császári család népességét, noha máig sincsenek pontos adataink, így csak találgathatjuk, hogy mennyi csúcsminőségű magyar ondót kellett Mária Teréziába pumpálniuk a magyar testőröknek, hogy, a hagyományokkal szakítva, szüljön néhány emberszabásút is. Néhányat.

Mária Karolina Lujza, Lajos József Antal

Mária Karolina Lujzában például félreérthetetlenül felismerhetők a nemes Habsburg hagyományok, ahogy az unokaöccsét, Lajos József Antal főherceget sem kevernénk össze egy másik uralkodóház sarjával. Noha a Mária Terézia utáni nemzedékek kitermeltek néhány komolyan vehető küllemű uralkodót, azért az nyilvánvaló, hogy nem az összes gyerekről tehettek a magyar testőrök.

A genetika bizony legalább olyan makacs dolog, mint a tények. Ebből kifolyólag félő, hogy a gigantikus, vízfejű homlokok, a dülledt szemek, az összenőtt szemöldökök, a hülye alakú orrok, a hülye alakú állak és az egyéb testi-lelki betegségek, rendellenességek örökké Damoklész kardjaként fognak lógni a Habsburgok feje fölött.

V. Ferdinánd

Epileszia, vízfejűség, idegi gondok, beszédhiba, durva szellemi fogyatékosság és rendszeres verésekkel súlyosbított gyerekkor – mindezt V. Ferdinánd hordozta magában, akinek annyi jutott a történelem dicsőségéből, hogy az uralkodása alatt tört ki az 1848-as magyar szabadságharc. A mai napon mindenképpen érdemes hát megemlékeznünk arról az emberről, aki semmilyen szempontból nem volt alkalmas az uralkodásra, így az uralkodása pontosan jelzi, mennyire becsülték a Habsburgok a nyers hatalmon túl a cím eszmei értékét. Ferdinánd szülei, hogy úgy mondjuk, unokatestvérek voltak, és ezt ennél pontosabban magyarul nem nagyon lehet egy szóban kifejezni. Esetleg angolból tükörfordítással nyerhetjük a kettős unokatestvér kifejezést, ami azt jelenti, hogy Ferdinánd szülei két testvérpár keresztbe házasításának gyümölcsei voltak, és így anyai és apai ágon egyaránt egymás unokatestvérei. Igen, rohadt bonyolult és még annál is betegebb – nem véletlenül nincs rá magyar kifejezés. Belegondolni is rettenetes, milyen lehetett, amikor ez az ember nem „reprezentált”, hanem csak a komornyikja látta a szobájában. Milyen lehetett az a lény, amelyet a többi torzó is kitaszított a belső körből, mert annyira vállalhatatlan? Afelől pedig egyet találhattok, hogy kik szerették, és nevezték Jó Ferdinándnak azt az embert, aki még a saját korcs családjának is túl korcs volt.

És hiába ütötte meg az emberi mércét a Ferdinánd helyére beültetett Ferenc József, hiába volt jó kiállású az utána következő IV. Károly, már Ottó bácsinál is kezdett visszatérni a szörnyű kísértet. És a nyugalom azóta sem indokolt, hiszen a hatalmasan dudorodó homlokok, az összenőtt GMO-szemöldökök, a dülledt szemek, a furcsa szájak ellen nem véd semmi, ha már ötszáz éven át nagyüzemileg beleforgatták a vérvonalba önmagát. Igazából egyetlen pozitív végkifejletként az jöhet számításba, hogy a beltenyészettel létrehoznák a tökéletes utódot, amely a családon belüli keresztezések nyomán önmagával alkot párt, és ekkor az egész rendszer magába zuhan, mint egy fekete lyuk.

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  1. Az előreugró picsaszáj fixen megmaradt….

  2. Pont a kalapos királyt és anyját Mária Teréziát hagytátok ki. És a legszerencsétlenebbet Mária Antóniát akik a francőzusok lenyakaztak. II Józsefet két filmben is láttuk Egy éjjel Erdélyben Szeleczky Zitával és az Amadeus ban. Azt sugallták hogy nemcsak szabadkőműves de homokos is volt. Vigée Lebrun vagy száz portrét is festett Marie Antoinetteről.
    Én úgy tudtam hogy egy jelentéktelen kis svájci grófocska volt aki kéthatalmas német római császári család közé csöppent be mint mellékes kompromisszum.
    A két érdekes idézet
    a e i o u Austriae est imperare orbis universo. Ausztria sorsa a világhatalom.
    A másik:
    Bella gerunt alii et tu felix Austria nubes. Inkább szerencsés mint boldog a felix.
    Mások harcolnak de te szerencsés Ausztria házasodsz.

  3. Basszus, ez durva volt! Ha figyelembe vesszük azt a közismert tényt, hogy a hülye főnök vigyáz rá, hogy ne legyenek értelmes beosztottai, nem csoda, hogy szétesett ez a kóceráj. Az angol és orosz unokatesók is ebből az ikrából szaporodtak. Meg is lett az eredménye.

  4. III. Andrásról is löknének egy ilyen képet? Mert van róla. Arról is küldhetnének egy képet, ahogy Semjén a Habsburgokkal barátkozik.

  5. Lamberg megérdemelte

    Ha a Habsburgok degeneráltak, milyen lehet egy Habsburg-legitimista?

    https://makeameme.org/meme/ha-a-habsburgok-w1dlzt

  6. Pedig többször is küzdöttünk a degeneráció megkoronázása ellen. Fel kellene soroljam?

  7. Kik áhítoznak manapság a Habsburg-ház uralmára?

    Ha visszamegyünk 2009 környékére, olyan illusztris neveket találunk a Regnum! Portál alapítói között, mint Barcsa-Turner Gábor, a Farkasok vezetője. Vagy mint Szász Péter, a Pax Hungarica Mozgalom egykori munkatörzsvezetője (!).

    Legnagyobb szélsőség a labancság.

    https://web.archive.org/web/20100210093852/http:/regnumportal.hu/impresszum

  8. Ez a Habsburg cikk annyira gusztustalan és felháborító, hogy kérem törölni szíveskedjenek. Annál is inkább, mert a végére még oda teszik a hazánkban élő Habsburg leszármazott képét, aki egyébként Magyarországot képviseli, és mi befogadtuk. Arról nem is beszélve, hogy akár tetszik akár nem sok Habsburg egyben magyar király is volt. Saját uralkodóinkat mégsem illik degeneráltaknak nevezni
    nyomatékosan kérem a cenzúra alkalmazását.

    • Sőt követelem a magyar kártya átnevezését habszburg kártyára, lapjain a Dicső Dinasztia portréival! Csomagolásán 18-as karikával.

    • Dicsőség I. Gábor és II. Imre királyainknak!

      A Habsburg trónbitorlók sohasem voltak magyar királyok, legfejlebb osztrák főhercegek.

      Különösen viccesek a Habsburg-illegitimisták, akik egész életükben nem találtak barátnőt. Ahelyett, hogy olvasnának vagy animéket néznének, vissza akarják állítani a feudalizmust. Nem fog sikerülni!

      • Hát azért ekkora tájékozatlanságot ritkán olvas az ember. A középkor óta Habsburg királyaink voltak. Mária Terézia 300 éve. Az utolsó Habsburg királyunk pedig IV. Károly, felesége Zita királyné, nemrég halt meg. Zita egyébként soha nem mondott le a trónról. A Hősök terén a király szobrok között is állt két Habsburg uralkodó. Rákosiék kidobták, mert szükségük volt a német ellenességre. Ezzel aztán el is követték a történelem hamisítást, ami önnél tisztelt uram táptalajra talált. Letagadni a múltat pontosan olyan eredményt hoz, mint a szlovákok történelem hamisítása. Ők is Magyarországhoz tartoztak, akkor is, ha úgy gondolják, hogy a királyaik a Habsburgok voltak és nem a magyarok. Fából vaskarika.

    • Toth Csaba, van az a szo hogy : humorerzek. Ismered?

      • Vegyem humorosra? Azt hiszem igazad van. Itt a tudatlanság az úr.

    • Csak nem az idióta “liberális” az “Angard”-ból lenne? Olyan igazi buta maszopos a kérése, meg a szövege is. Itt is, ott is!

    • Gáspár Anett

      Ami történelmi tény, az tény, ami képekkel is bizonyított.
      Amúgy valóban nem kellett volna a H.Gy. képét kitenni.

    • Gáspár Anett

      Nem tetszik. Hála Istennek, már nem azok.
      Az Árpád-vérvonal még él valahol, Franciaországban, de nem a királyság mentené meg az országunkat, a magyarságot.
      H. Ottónak már más feladata volt: a Páneurópának becézett Európai Egyesült Államok érdekében ügyködött. Nem véletlen, hogy a fia Bokrossal karöltve nyomult az EU parlamentbe.

    • nyomatékosan elmehetsz a jezsuita picsába… és ezek a sátánista Habsburgok, sosem voltak a magyarok uralkodói… a nemzeté biztosan nem

    • Senki se akarta oket uralkodonak! Javareszt csak artottak nekunk. A fent nevezett meg penzert vett foldet senki se fogadta vagy kerte jojjon ide.

    • Csaba tóth, cenzura nincs ! Szocializmusnak vége ! Szocik most rendezik magukat el ahogy a habsburgok. És olyat ne is mondj hogy a trianon jó, tudod milyen az ha nem beszélhetsz magyarul amikor akarsz, és még hülye madˇ(gy)arnak mondnak ? Mondták már neked hogy Magyar tunés innen, menj haza ? Légyszives tiszteld a Magyarokat, hidd el nem jo a kerítés túloldalálór nézni a hazád és idegen nyelven beszélni.

  9. Gáspár Anett

    Egyszer volt egy ember, szakálla volt, Gender…

    Mai hercegek megvilágosultan óvatosabbak. Oligarchák fiaival, lányaival kötnek szerelmi házasságot.
    Sőt, olykor színésznők, akár udvari fotósok is esélyt kapnak.

    Mígnem majd az uralkodó házakban is bé nem üt a Gender-ménkű, s még nagyobb fába vághatja a klaviatúráját, aki ki szeretné bogozni “az üknagypapám az unokahúgom” felmenő ága-bogát.

    • Anett esetleg Te vagy a fogadott lányom, álruhában? Ő szokott ilyen poénokat nyomni, amikor nem zéhára készül.

      • Gáspár Anett

        Rájuk is érvényes lenne, hogy “a nagyját az apja, az apraját meg a nagyja” ? ?

    • Hátosztán- ha űk is gendereznek , ugyan kit érdekel?! Aberráltaknál ez most diva!!
      Avagy kifejtette-é már hatását a vérfrissítés, és normál népekké váltak?! Kétlem…

      • Ez a” nagyját apja…” stb.-dolog, nem tudtam,hogy az arisztokraták kiváltsága is!
        Azt hittem, csak a mi cigányságunk kultúrájának egyik szocpol-erősítette hagyománya..

  10. Bocsánat bloggazdák! Omron vagyok, csak elbaxtam…

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